The Zen of Paper

 

 

 

I've always loved paper.  Construction paper, wrapping paper, tissue paper.  Even the crisp white paper of a new school notebook. To me as a child, there seemed endless possibilities in paper.  Add crayons or paint or scissors, and I'd have hours of quiet, solitary entertainment.

And I needed that solace.  My childhood wasn't any tougher than any one elses- we all have our baggage - but I realized as an adult that I am definitely an introvert, and always have been. And like most introverts, I think, I am also a worrier. An anxious worrier.  As a child, my worries were less, but no less upsetting. Creating was one of the ways I coped.  It was an opportunity to express myself, or at the very least relax and enjoy the moment- to enjoy the motion of painting or cutting paper. And I did it just for me- to avoid being judged, I rarely shared my final product.

Then I grew up. Paper and crayons starting being bought for the kids, not for me.  But life has not become any easier. Its been much, much harder than I ever thought.  Money, kids, marriage - I struggled and worried over it all, resulting in at least a couple bouts of depression.  Probably more if I am honest with myself. As a mom, doing anything by myself, for myself, seems frivolous and irresponsible.

I haven't been happy lately- nothing tragic has happened, just the realization that I am 46 and drained.  Distraction has become my main coping mechanism, but it hasn't been working well. Then last post-holiday season, I found some paper on sale- pretty, colorful paper, on really, really cheap (which you'll soon find out is absolutely essential to me!).  One of the first things I made was a little notebook - all from things I had on hand. Before I knew it, I had made so many of the little notebooks, I lost track of them. I'd find them lying around all over the house, or in my purse. And I found myself smiling more.  Just a bit, but enough to make me want to make more.

And in looking to find a way to improve those little notebooks, I came upon so many other uses for my pretty paper.  I spent hours on youtube saving tutorials to try later.  Modular origami was one of the first I tried- I particularly fell in love with kusudamas, and have done so many so far I'm running out of buckets to hold them. I've also renewed my love for origami in general - the internet offers endless diagrams and inspiration that I never could have got from library books as a kid.

I started this blog to help me catalogue and organize all the possibilities for paper.  As much as I like the chaos of creating, I also enjoy making plans, sorting and researching. And I want to try all sorts of things- I know I won't enjoy them all (I tried making paper once, and definitely didn't like it) but maybe I'll find a few more to add to my list.

I'd also be tickle pink if  this blog could maybe inspire someone else who has lost themselves in the grown-up world to find a bit of selfish happiness. It isn't about talent or skill - I don't think I have much of either- but about making your own world a little brighter.