Some recent projects, and notes on tutorials

First, some things I've been working on:

This is the five intersecting tetrahedron using 'fun to origami' tutorial on youtube. The modules were easy, and each pyramid was easy, but putting it together wasn't so easy, and I had to use glue.  And truthfully, I put its best side forward in the picture. I'm glad I did it, but I don't think I'd do it again.

This is a spongebob jellyfish, from the tutorial by Origarmy (which I think is a really cool name, btw) requested by my 16yo daughter. Pretty simple, and I really liked the end result- so did my kid.  There is some cutting- in the legs - but I don't really hold to the whole 'if you cut or glue, its not true or Origami'. I think I will make more (the kid wants to hang them on strings in her room- like a swarm.  What do you call a group of jellyfish? Maybe a school?) and learn this one down by heart.  It would be fun to do when you want to entertain a little kid for a while.

This is 'Stella Rhombica' using the tutorial by 1petiteSorciere.  I really enjoyed doing this one- the units were fun and required just a little bit of concentration, which is what I wanted that night. The part I liked the most though was putting it together- they come together better than most, and the final result made me feel very capable, if you know what I mean.

This is the sea urchin star using the tutorial by Jo Nakashima.  This guys is amazing- his skills and his tutorials.  I've only tried a few, and a few are way above my skill level yet, but I think he does a good job trying to teach me.

 

Which made me think about what makes a good tutorial.  I get so disappointed when I see something I want to make, but the tutorial isn't helping me. 

 

First and foremost for me, there has to be good lighting- but my eyesight isn't great, so maybe it doesn't matter much for other people.  But I used a tutorial once that used black paper, and I had to watch it over and over again to figure out which way the folds went, and how it was supposed to look at each step.  It took some of the fun out of it, and it really wasn't necessary (I mean, it wasn't a tutorial on how to fold a black cat!)

 

Rarely, some tutorials do something I just don't get- they don't show the completed project at the start of the video.  What's up with that? Fortunately that doesn't happen very often.

 

Speed seems to matter a lot to some people- not too slow, not to fast.  I don't mind if the video goes to fast.. I mean, I can always pause it.  Too slow can be a bit of a pain. But as long as it is mostly continuous- I've had to go back and rewind a few times because the video was cut and starts up with the paper not in the same position as it was.

 

Sound doesn't much matter to me either, since I tend to mute it and listen to my own music. That means that text appearing sometimes can be a great plus.  Still, a lot of my favorite tutorials have been those done in another language (dutch?), which is another cool thing about origami.

 

I also like using diagrams - knowing the symbols for mountain and valley folds etc is very useful, and for the longest time that's all there was.  But I don't think I really understood how 'round' origami could be until I saw someone do it on youtube. I realize now that its more than just following a pattern - the best looking origami involves spending time adjusting your paper until you have the shape you want. I'm just now starting to do that.

Depressions a bitch....

Depression is that horrible girl from grade 10, who would push by you in the corridor and flare her nostrils like she had just smelled something gross, and then turn to her friends, self-doubt and shame, and giggle. Gawd, the fantasies I had of helping that girl find her just desserts... usually involving a bad haircut and zits, but always ending with her bawling her eyes out in the corner of a dark room.

So obviously I've had a bad day, brought on by money woes, and a crapped-out septic system (that would be funny if it wasn't true...) I did a lot of crying today. More than most days, anyhow.

 About 7 years ago I tried going on anti-depressants to stop the crying, and it worked- I stopped crying completely.  It worked so well, in fact, I couldn't even cry even when crying was called for. Which, at first, was well worth it.

It was a very low dose of celexa, I think, and I didn't notice any side effects at first.  But after I'd been on it long enough to appreciate that it was working, I had the worst side effect of all- my very first panic attack.  If you've ever had one, you know that that saying "the only the thing we have to fear is fear itself" is so fucking true... the kind of truth that blows up reality when it hits you. The catalyst was a little bit of nausea, probably from taking a pill on an empty stomach, that escalated into tingling in my arms and my heart racing.  I spent the rest of the day in bed, alternating between talking my self off the cliff and crying. It passed, but the memory never has. And its happened to a lesser intensity a handful of times since.  Now that I know what is happening when it happens, I know I'm not really going to die, which is good, but at the same time at the beginning of one I am acutely aware of  how bad its going to be and knowing that somehow makes it worse- it certainly makes it more unlikely that I can avoid it.

Eventually I went off that medication, and while the depression didn't (immediately) come back, the anxiety never left.  I believe, (and I have no scientific proof- its just a gut feeling) that my 'happy' pills permanently messed with my head.  Or maybe it just uncovered something that was already there: if I look at my childhood, there were signs that I was a .... sensitive kid, for lack of a better word. Not only did I gain a new mental problem after being medicated, I also realized I hadn't actually made any changes during that time. My life was no better, no worse.  My self esteem was still pretty crappy, and I hadn't made any changes to my health or financial future. I hadn't really had any motivation to do anything but what needed to be done. Which was better then when all I could do was cry, but didn't help me to stop the depression from coming back, because honestly, some part of depression has to be circumstantial- even if the cause is the stress from your circumstances. 

So anyway, that's why I've decided that I'm not going to go back on antidepressants unless I'm absolutely rock bottom.  Unless I really can't cope at all. And I'm still coping,  if somewhat clumsily. Today I coped by listening to some Regina Spektor and making a sea urchin kusudama.  And yesterday I made an origami chibi dragon - 2, because the first time didn't look right, pictured above.

The Zen of Paper

 

 

 

I've always loved paper.  Construction paper, wrapping paper, tissue paper.  Even the crisp white paper of a new school notebook. To me as a child, there seemed endless possibilities in paper.  Add crayons or paint or scissors, and I'd have hours of quiet, solitary entertainment.

And I needed that solace.  My childhood wasn't any tougher than any one elses- we all have our baggage - but I realized as an adult that I am definitely an introvert, and always have been. And like most introverts, I think, I am also a worrier. An anxious worrier.  As a child, my worries were less, but no less upsetting. Creating was one of the ways I coped.  It was an opportunity to express myself, or at the very least relax and enjoy the moment- to enjoy the motion of painting or cutting paper. And I did it just for me- to avoid being judged, I rarely shared my final product.

Then I grew up. Paper and crayons starting being bought for the kids, not for me.  But life has not become any easier. Its been much, much harder than I ever thought.  Money, kids, marriage - I struggled and worried over it all, resulting in at least a couple bouts of depression.  Probably more if I am honest with myself. As a mom, doing anything by myself, for myself, seems frivolous and irresponsible.

I haven't been happy lately- nothing tragic has happened, just the realization that I am 46 and drained.  Distraction has become my main coping mechanism, but it hasn't been working well. Then last post-holiday season, I found some paper on sale- pretty, colorful paper, on really, really cheap (which you'll soon find out is absolutely essential to me!).  One of the first things I made was a little notebook - all from things I had on hand. Before I knew it, I had made so many of the little notebooks, I lost track of them. I'd find them lying around all over the house, or in my purse. And I found myself smiling more.  Just a bit, but enough to make me want to make more.

And in looking to find a way to improve those little notebooks, I came upon so many other uses for my pretty paper.  I spent hours on youtube saving tutorials to try later.  Modular origami was one of the first I tried- I particularly fell in love with kusudamas, and have done so many so far I'm running out of buckets to hold them. I've also renewed my love for origami in general - the internet offers endless diagrams and inspiration that I never could have got from library books as a kid.

I started this blog to help me catalogue and organize all the possibilities for paper.  As much as I like the chaos of creating, I also enjoy making plans, sorting and researching. And I want to try all sorts of things- I know I won't enjoy them all (I tried making paper once, and definitely didn't like it) but maybe I'll find a few more to add to my list.

I'd also be tickle pink if  this blog could maybe inspire someone else who has lost themselves in the grown-up world to find a bit of selfish happiness. It isn't about talent or skill - I don't think I have much of either- but about making your own world a little brighter.